Burbank Palms

Episode 1

“Billy Moves In”

Burbank, CA.

Tuesday, 12:35pm. Hank's Diner.

Bill Busman sat slumped in a booth, his head against the window. He sighed as he scrolled the photos in his phone, staring longingly at pictures of himself and an attractive young woman. They were happy images of the couple at the beach, at an amusement park, cuddled up in a park beneath a tree.

He felt a smack to the back of his head and he looked up to see a red-haired woman with glasses staring down at him, shaking her head. It was his sister Sandy.

“The hell was that for?” he sat up in the booth as she slid in across the table from him.

“You need to let it go. You and Kimberly broke up two months ago. She's already moved on.”

“She has not.”

“Uh yeah, she has. She put up pictures of her and some guy on Instagram. I thought you would’ve seen them by now.”

“She blocked me.”

“See? Time to move on.”

Another redhead, his youngest sister Amanda, sat down beside Sandy.

“Jesus Christ. Is he still talking about Kim?”

“Of course,” Sandy replied. “What else?”

“Look, Billy, I'm gonna tell you something and I mean this,” Amanda tapped the table. “Are you listening?”

Bill sighed.

“Yes.”

“I mean this from the bottom of my heart, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Stop being such a little bitch.”

Bill's eyes widened as he stared at her.

“Kim was an asshole,” Amanda continued, undeterred. “She didn't respect you and you know it. You never should have moved in with her. We've tried to be the supportive sisters through all of this, but seriously, it's time to move on.”

Bill shook his head.

“So is that why you guys wanted me to meet you here? So you can have some sort of...wait...is this an intervention?”

“Oh my God,” Sandy rubbed her face in annoyance. “No, we wanted to meet with you because we have a solution to your living situation.”

“There's an opening in our building,” said Amanda. “Scott and Jessi's apartment is ready to rent.”

“Really?” Bill arched an eyebrow. “The evil has finally been defeated?”

Amanda shrugged.

“Well, it's been relocated at least.”

Jessi Borchard and her boyfriend Scott Pyle had been friends with Sandy and Amanda since high school. A few years after graduating, the three girls decided to share an apartment. Jessi was a horrible roommate.

To say that she was a slob would have been an understatement. She rarely cleaned up after herself and left half-eaten food around the apartment. She and Scott were live action role playing enthusiasts, spending nearly every weekend dressing in medieval fantasy attire and swarming local parks to engage in imaginary life and death battles based on their favorite book and TV series The Castles of Dragonmore.

A horde of their fellow LARP'ers would constantly drop by the apartment uninvited and eat all of the roommates' food. In addition to their LARP’ing obsession, Scott and Jessi were overall loud, irresponsible, and frequently prone to intoxication.

Jessi was constantly late paying her portion of the bills and rent. When she became pregnant with Scott’s child, she moved out, owing the girls money.

This wasn’t smart, considering that she and Scott simply moved into the apartment across the hall.

After much discord and ill will, Jessi paid the girls what she owed them. The three girls apologized for their disagreements, even though Sandy and Amanda had done nothing wrong. The sisters decided it would be in their best interests to remain cordial, as Jessi and Scott were still their neighbors.

One night though, after she had downed a whole box of wine, Amanda's fiance` Dave had to stop her from throwing rocks through the neighboring apartment's front window.

Months later, Scott’s rich uncle died, leaving the couple a sizable amount of money, and they finally moved out of the building.

Bill thought about it.

“Okay, but I mean, don’t I need references and...”

“Doesn't matter. The manager loves us,” Mandy said.

Sandy nodded.

“We're his favorites. Rob and I moved into the place upstairs when we got married and since Dave moved in with Manda, he's got two apartments who always pay their rent on time. Plus, I did the Heimlich on him once when he was choking on a corn dog, so he says he owes me his life. The place is yours if you want it.”

“You can't be happy sleeping on Todd's couch,” Mandy added. “Just, when you move in, you have to lay off the weed. Stinks up the place. Wang won't like it.”

“Wang?” asked Bill. “Who's...wait, I don't smoke weed!”

“Mr. Wang. He's the manager,” said Sandy, perusing a menu. “And it's fine, no judgment. I mean, we can smell it on you. We've been smelling it on you.”

Mandy nodded opening her menu.

“Pothead.”

Bill sniffed his jacket.

“Fucking Todd,” he grumbled. “His whole place smells like Willie Nelson's jacket.”

Todd Reager was the lead voice actor on Monkey Dog, an animated series based on a webcomic of the same name written and drawn by Bill, which aired on ToonNet, a fledgling animation streaming service. Selling the rights to his comic strip had not made Bill rich, but it had increased the size of his bank account. However, breaking up with his girlfriend had left him too depressed to spend any of it.

After Kimberly had kicked him out of her house, Todd offered Bill his couch for as long as he needed it. In the ensuing months, the two had become genuine friends. Bill’s sisters, however, still weren't entirely sold on him.

“Okay, sure,” Bill said, a smile finally breaking across his face. “Thank you. Really. This is gonna be awesome!”

“Okay, now that we’ve fixed your life, can I complain about mine?” Mandy sighed. “Because if one more person comes into Blue Box and complains to me about their chair missing a leg or their goddamned pillow being the wrong size, I’m gonna go on a killing spree and I’m not fucking kidding. I mean, I’ll spare Sandy and Rob, but that’s it. I’ll burn the whole goddamn store down. I do not care.”

Sandy and Amanda, as well as their significant others Rob Carter and David O’Murphy, all worked at Blue Box, a chain of Swedish owned home furnishing stores, known for their iconic, blue, box-shaped stores.

“What about Dave?” Bill asked. “Will you kill him too?”

Mandy stirred her coffee.

“Probably not. I’ve been planning the wedding for too long to just go and kill the groom.”

“Did I mention I’m married?” Sandy smiled.

Mandy continued to flip through her menu.

“Only six times today,” she mumbled. “It’s been a month, already. Let it go.”

“Don’t worry sister,” Sandy held out her hand and admired her wedding band. “Pretty soon, you’ll be bragging to everybody too.”

“Christ, then you’ll both be insufferable,” Bill mumbled.

“Ready to order?” asked a voice out of nowhere. The siblings jumped in surprise.

It was Thelma, a graying, grandmotherly waitress who possessed the stealth of a veteran ninja. She adored Sandy and Amanda, yet somehow despised Bill. At least according to Bill.

“So, what’ll you have?” she smiled at Sandy.

“Chinese chicken salad, please, and an iced tea.”

“Unsweetened, right?”

“That’s right! You know me so well.”

“Well, you’re one of my favorite customers.”

She turned to Mandy.

“And how about my other favorite customer? Oh, by the way, I love your jacket.”

“Oh, thank you,” Mandy said sweetly. “I think I’ll have a Hank’s special omelet with white toast and a glass of orange juice.”

The waitress scribbled on her pad.

“That’s a great choice,” she turned to Bill and frowned. “What do you want?”

Bill swallowed hard.

“Um, I think I’ll have a hot turkey sandwich.”

“We’re out of turkey.”

“But...that guy’s eating turkey.”

“He got the last of it.”

“Okay. I’ll have a waffle.”

“No waffles after 12 pm.”

“Tuna melt?”

The waitress exhaled as she copied down his order.

“Fine. And to drink?”

“Uh...Diet Coke? “

“Fine.”

“See?,” Bill whispered as she left. “She hates me.”

“Oh my God, not this again,” Sandy sipped from a glass of water. “Everybody's out to get you. Thelma, those nuns, that seeing eye dog in the park, the Ice Cream Man-”

“The Ice Cream Man does hate me!” Bill hissed. “He sees me come running and every time he ignores me and just drives right past. Yesterday, I swear, he tried to run me down.”

“First off, you're a grown-ass adult and shouldn't be chasing the ice cream truck,” Mandy said. “Stores exist. Just go buy some effing ice cream.

Secondly, it's not all about you. There's no global conspiracy against Bill Busman.”

“Okay, fine,” Bill sighed.

He glanced over at Thelma who stood behind the counter. She held her notepad in front of her, then while making eye contact with him, slowly slid her hand up from behind the pad, middle finger extended.

XXXXXX

Several days later, Bill moved into the Burbank Palms apartment complex.

His apartment was directly across the hall from Mandy and Dave’s apartment, the one that Mandy had shared with her sister until recently.

Rob carried in a box and placed it on the floor.

“Thanks for helping me move,” Bill said.

Rob looked at the three boxes in the middle of the floor.

“It’s not like there was a whole lot to move.”

Bill sat down on the couch.

“At least it’s furnished. Man, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get my own place. I’m such a loser.”

“Oh quit your whining.” Rob sat down next to him. “At least you’ve got your own place. I have to live with your sister. She snores like a Wookie.”

Sandy walked in, followed by Mandy and Dave.

“I heard my name,” Sandy said.

“Rob was just saying how much he enjoys living with you,” Bill replied.

“That’s sweet,” she patted Rob’s head. “I thought you guys might like some cold drinks.”

The girls stepped into the small kitchen while Dave sat down on a folding chair.

“So your own place, huh?” he said, popping open a beer. “Too bad it’s so close to your sisters.”

“Hey!” Mandy snapped as she handed Rob a Corona. “You want to live here, right?”

“It beats sleeping on a stoner’s couch,” Bill answered. “So, do you think Jessi and Scott would have decided to move out if he hadn’t gotten that big inheritance?”

Sandy sat down between them and handed him a soda.

“Yep. They needed a bigger place because of the baby.”

“Aw, how is the little devil spawn?” Rob asked. “Claimed his first soul yet?”

“Are we sure Scott’s the father?” Dave asked, sipping his beer. “I mean, you know...”

Mandy shrugged and gave Sandy a knowing look as she sat down on the carpet beside Dave.

Bill eyed them both suspiciously.

“What am I missing?”

“Jessi and Scott were fucking the same guy,” Rob pulled out his phone. “You guys want pizza?”

“Sorry, what?” Bill sat up.

“Yeah, you’re right. How about Mexican instead?”

“So, Scott and Jessi had this LARP’ing friend of theirs over all the time named Keith,” Mandy explained. “They seemed kinda handsy with each other, so Sandy and I started to think that maybe they were a throuple.”

“Yeah, that seems on brand,” Bill said, propping his arm on the back of the couch.

Sandy sipped her tea and looked off blankly.

“Our suspicions were confirmed when we walked in on the three of them late one night after we came back early from the movies.”

Bill looked at her and then at Amanda.

“Whaaaat...what did you see?”

Now it was Amanda’s turn to stare off blankly, before slowly locking eyes with him.

“You know what an Eiffel Tower is?”

Bill grimaced.

“Damn. Who was the base of the tower?”

“Scott,” the girls said in unison.

“Wait...how...”

“Anyway”, Sandy said. “They ended up calling everything off because Scott violated the rules of pretend combat one weekend and broke Keith’s favorite foam sword. They were a throuple no more.”

“Well.” Bill stood up. “Sounds like you guys are happy to be done with them. I gotta pee.”

“Oh, we’re not done with them,” Rob said cryptically.

Bill stopped.

“What’s that mean?”

“Mexican it is!” Rob held up his phone. “Who wants flautas?”

Bill shook his head and headed down the hall.

XXXXXX

The next day.

Blue Box, Swedish home furnishings store.

“How can I help you, Sir?” Mandy asked in her most pleasant and helpful tone.

“I’ll tell you how you can help me,” the old man answered. “I bought this comforter yesterday, but the cover is too small.”

“Okay. Do you have your receipt?”

“No. Of course not. I threw it away because I didn’t expect that I’d be back here, but thanks to your incompetent staff, here I am. Now, I paid good money for this, and I did not get what I wanted! You young people have no work ethic. Apparently you just don’t care about good customer service.”

The other workers in the returns department had begun to take notice of the man’s foul attitude.

Mandy bit her lip.

“May I see it please?”

The senior citizen threw the comforter and cover onto the counter.

“Okay, Sir. This cover is the wrong size,” Mandy replied slowly.

“I know that!” the man snapped. “That’s what I told you! That’s why I’m in here! You put the comforters and the covers side by side. But if you’re going to do that, you should put the right sizes together. What’s wrong with you?”

And suddenly, it happened. Amanda snapped.

Somewhere, deep inside, a pressure valve that had been holding back her replies to all of the insults and abuse that had been heaped upon her by legions of awful customers finally exploded. Her face grew hot and she could have sworn that she heard a steam whistle in her head.

“No,” she said quietly through clenched teeth. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Excuse me?” the man said in astonishment. “What did you just say?”

“I said...what...the HELL...is WRONG...with YOU?”

Her coworkers stopped and stared, as did several customers. The old man recoiled with wide eyes.

Mandy gripped the comforter with white knuckles.

“I cannot believe that you have the nerve, to come in here and ask what’s wrong with me when any idiot can see that the comforters and cover sizes are clearly marked in BIG. RED. LETTERS! If there’s something wrong with anyone, it’s YOU! Because apparently, you can’t read! What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me? I will tell you precisely what’s wrong with me. I am sick and tired of having to deal with people like you, who, if you had just bothered to pay the tiniest bit of attention, wouldn’t have to come all the way down here to the fucking Blue Box dungeon to return something. God gave you eyes. Use them! I’ve had it with customers who think that they can insult people like me and look down on us because we work in a service job. I’ve had it with the arrogance and condescension of assholes like you! You ask what’s wrong with me? With me? Nothing’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with you?”

The old man stood there, mouth agape.

“Kiss my ass!” he snarled.

“Bend over!” Mandy shouted back.

Silence filled the returns department. Mandy felt sick. She was pretty sure she was about to get fired.

Suddenly, a lone coworker began to clap slowly. Then the others began to clap, and soon the entire room was filled with applause.

The old man gathered up his comforter and cover and quickly left.

The coworkers began to chant.

“MAN-DY! MAN-DY! MAN-DY!”

Mandy sat down behind the counter and brushed a strand of hair from her forehead. She heaved a deep sigh. She looked up to see her manager staring at her in shock.

XXXXXX

Sandy and Rob sat in the Blue Box staff cafe`, eating lunch and holding hands

“Oh you two,” said Julio Jimenez, a thin Latino wearing a light application of makeup, who sat across from them. “You two make me so jealous. Always with the holding hands and the kissing. You almost make me miss that snake Hector. Almost.”

Dave sat down at the table next to them with a plate of Swedish meatballs.

He began to quickly shovel meatballs into his mouth.

“Slow down, David,” said Julio, pronouncing it ‘Daveed’ in his accent. “You’re going to choke.”

“Yeah, well, blame my girlfriend.” Dave wiped his mouth. “She kept nagging me to quit smoking, so I quit. It’s driving me nuts. My whole back is covered in nicotine patches.”

“That’s probably not how you’re supposed to use them,” Sandy said.

“I feel like crap. I don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I’ll start drinking more.”

“I like his idea,” Rob said.

Sandy elbowed him under the table.

“Ooh, I like a good drink,” Julio said, picking at his salad. “My favorite drink is a Penis Colada.”

“You mean a Pina Colada,” said Rob.

“Uh uh. A Penis Colada. It’s a wonderful drink they have at my favorite club. It’s two hairy kiwi fruits and in the middle, they put this long...”

“So, we should get back to work,” Sandy said as she stood up. “Come on, Robert.”

“But...I’m not done,” said Rob. “I’m just gonna hang out here.”

“Let’s go.”

“I’m just-”

She narrowed her eyes at him.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” he mumbled.

“What was that?”

He stood up and carried his tray away from the table.

“Nothing.”

He stuck his tongue out at her as he followed her.

Dave shook his head as he ate another meatball.

“Yeah. That’s a healthy relationship.”

“I’m telling you,” Julio said, taking a bite of his salad. “The straights are not okay.”

XXXXXX

Downtown Burbank.

Bill sat on a bench eating a sub sandwich as he was often known to do.

He looked up to see Amanda stalking toward him down the sidewalk, still in her Blue Box uniform.

She dropped down onto the bench beside him.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked, his mouth full.

“They sent me home,” she said curtly.

“Did you get fired?”

“No,” she sighed. “I...snapped on a customer.”

Bill looked at his watch.

“Wednesday! Called it! I win the pool.”

She narrowed her eyes at him.

“You...you guys had a pool on when I would snap at work?”

“I mean, it was bound to happen. Rob had Friday next week. Sucker.”

“What did Sandy have?”

“She said you wouldn’t go off until some time in June.”

“See?” Mandy pointed at him. “That’s why she’s my favorite sibling.”

“Well, she wanted May, but Todd already called it.”

“Fucking Todd.”

Bill took another bite of his sandwich.

“So, what did you do?”

Mandy shrugged.

“It’s not important, really. My boss said that she could tell that I’ve been stressed out lately with work and planning the wedding and everything, so...she gave me a warning and told me to take some PTO for a few days.”

Bill offered her the other half of his sandwich. She took it from him and bit into it.

“The fuck is this?” she asked.

“Taco sub. Pretty good, huh?”

“It is, actually. Pretty fuckin’ good.”

Bill leaned back on the bench.

“You swear a lot, you know that? Like...a lot a lot.”

“Fuck you.”

He looked past her to see a disheveled man sporting long hair and a shaggy, unkempt beard shuffling towards them while wearing a black garbage bag for an overcoat.

“Aw, shit,” Bill said. “It’s Hobo Joe.”

“You shouldn’t call him that!” Mandy whispered. “It’s not nice!”

“Don’t blame me! That’s what Dad calls him!”

The man shuffled to a stop on the sidewalk before them and stared them down.

They tried not to make eye contact.

Hobo Joe tipped his invisible cap to them before he began to shuffle back and forth in an improvised tap dance. He twirled with his arms outstretched as he belted out the Golden Girls theme in a high falsetto. When he finished, he clapped his hands, then continued to stare at them.

They stared back, then cautiously clapped for him.

“This is what a penguin sounds like!” he screeched, before running down the sidewalk, flapping his arms. “Caw! Caaaawwww!”

Mandy shook her head as she took another bite of her sandwich.

“Man, I’m getting sick of that guy.”

XXXXXX

Monday.

Sandy, Mandy, and Bill sat in their usual booth at Hank’s diner.

“So I have to move up in the rankings now, right?” Bill said, sipping his ice water.

“What rankings?” Sandy asked, eyeing him over her menu.

“The sibling rankings.”

Sandy looked at him sideways.

“We don’t have rankings.”

“We do, though.” Mandy said, not looking up from her phone. “You’re the best one out of all of us. You’re the responsible one, you got married first, you’ve got a 401K. You’re at the top of the rankings. We’ve accepted this.”

“Then, it was Manda,” said Bill. “She’s the hard worker. Good with people. Even though I came first, I’m at the bottom. I’m the artistic one who hangs out with a pothead and got dumped by a girl you said I shouldn’t date. But I’ve never been sent home from a job because I lost my shit. That’s gotta bump me up in the power rankings. At least for this week.”

“’Fraid not,” Mandy replied. “I’ve still got my job and I’m getting married. You stay in last place with your single ass.”

Bill grimaced as he stared down at his menu.

“Damn it. I thought this was my week.”

Sandy put down her menu.

“I can’t believe you two have actually had discussions about this. You can’t rank siblings. That just doesn’t seem right.”

Mandy glanced up at her from her phone.

“Bitch, we already said you’re number one.”

“Yeah, just take the win,” Bill said.

The siblings jumped when something hit the picture window beside their booth. They looked to see Hobo Joe standing on the sidewalk, looking at them with his arms folded.

He then tipped his invisible cap and began to dance the Running Man.

“Thank you for being a friend!” he howled. “Travel down the-”

Mandy pulled down the blinds.

“I really wish he’d learn another song.”

END

This is a work of fiction and any similarities to actual people, places, or incidents is purely coincidental.